It’s starting to look a lot Halloween outside. Well, not really. It’s still hot as balls most days and I still have to mow the goddamn lawn. But still, our Halloween decorations are up and Spirit Halloween is open and networks are starting to release their spooky time content.

Today, Netflix released their upcoming horror slate for both September and October and I went and watched a bunch of trailers and found some really neat stuff. Some Butterfingers, some of those weird black and orange wrapped candies nobody eats. All of it discussed below.

I’m not privy to Into the Night is about and never dipped my finger into Lucifer (that sounded awful). I’ll actually go ahead and leave out sequels and children’s movies below as a whole. Because if it’s a sequel, you already know about it or you probably don’t care.

I would have liked to watch the trailer for Prey, which is a Dutch film about hikers being attacked by a shooter but Netflix has not made the trailer available in English or with captions. Bold strategy, Cotton. You know what really gets me goin’ though? This show titled…..

SQUID GAME (September 17th)

They had me from the moment that dude took it to the face during “Red Light, Green Light”. Korean horror has brought us some awesome content including the zombie show Kingdom. Squid Game looks like a stylish mix between Hunger Games, Death Race 3000 and Black Mirror. My prediction is this will be the most original of all the Netflix September and October offerings.

INTRUSION (SEPT 22nd)

I’m not sure why Logan Marshall Green all of a sudden looks like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite had a baby with my eight grade Science Teacher but here we are. Intrusion feels more like a whodunnit thriller than a horror film but it’s spooky enough to pass.. Although I hope the twist isn’t that the husband did it because the trailer totally makes it seem like the twist is that the husband did it. My prediction is this will be the slowest and blandest movie of the Netflix September and October.

MIDNIGHT MASS (Sept 24th)

Mike Flanagan is a worker. This dude always has like three intricately laid out horror projects going on. I just imagine him spending his days like Tom Green in Freddy Got Fingered, eating the sausages that are rigged to his fingers while he plays the piano because multitasking. Midnight Mass looks like it carries a bit more bite than something like Bly Manor and that I can appreciate. My prediction is this will be the scariest of the lot. (Shout out to fuckin’ Matt Sayerson from Friday Night Lights!)

THE CHESTNUT MAN (Sept 29th)

What kind of children eat chestnuts? I don’t know a thing about this except for that trailer was serial killer fucked up level 5000 and I’m here for it. But not your fucking chestnuts. I predict this will be the most messed up and dark of all the Netflix Fall programming.

NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE (September 29th)

Looks like the type of film that ends up taking off with both the casual and hardcore of horror fans. Some spooky Conjuring-esque type vibes without the big budget. A little less clean. A little more naughty. Real freak-in’ naughty as White Goodman would say.

ESCAPE THE UNDERTAKER (Oct 5th)

In no doubt the weirdest goddamn contraption of Netflix October, The Undertaker will lead WWE wrestlers The New Day through an interactive haunted mansion. According to Bloody Disgusting, “The Undertaker has set a trap for the decorated tag team The New Day at his mansion. What they don’t know: The Undertaker’s mansion is an extreme Haunted House, packed to the brim with supernatural challenges. It’s up to viewers to decide the fate of these three poor souls trying to survive the wrath of The Undertaker.” It’s so goddamn wackadoo it might just work.

THERE’S SOMEONE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE (Oct 6th)

A slasher horror movie about a killer who tortures their victims by wearing a mask of the victims face while hunting them down. Cool! Directed by Peter Brice (Creep), produced by James Wan and eventually watched by this asshole right here. Just to clarify, I’m calling myself an asshole. Not saying that I’m going to attempt to watch a movie with my actual asshole.

NIGHT TEETH (Oct 20th)

Not much info on this one but the synopsis reads “A college student moonlighting as a chauffeur picks up two mysterious women for a night of party-hopping across LA. But when he uncovers their bloodthirsty intentions – and their dangerous, shadowy underworld – he must fight to stay alive.” I can only imagine one of those mysterious women is Meagan Fox. I’d be dead as fuck if I were that guy. “Oh what’s that? Follow you into this dark alley even though I know your a goddamn vampire? Sure!” I predict this will be the sexiest of Netflix October.

HYPNOTIC (Oct 27th)

Kate Siegel (The Haunting of Hill House) stars as “A young woman seeking self-improvement enlists the help of a renowned hypnotherapist. But after a handful of intense sessions, she discovers unexpected and deadly consequences.” Reminds me of Stir of Echoes. Which rocks the shit. The bad news? It’s from the writer directors of ‘Open House’ which in my estimation was a two hour movie where NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED.

There you have it! What will you all be watching on Netflix this October? They are doing pretty good with all this original horror content if you ask me. If Netflix can pair it with a great list of older horror movies as well, Halloween and Chills will be a massive success. Don’t let me down, you big red bastard.

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