• Mike Holtz

'6 Underground' Is Big, Dumb, Fun and Long (What?)

It's a giant penis metaphor that all ends in an explosion! Exactly what Michael Bay was going for. God, I wish I was rich.

'6 Underground' is explosion porn director Michael Bay's latest feature and it's free on Netflix right now for $14.99 a month or did it go up again? I don't even look anymore. Who cares. The film stars Ryan Reynolds as the leader of a group of people who have faked their own deaths to kill evil people with the reckless abandon required to get the job done.

'6 Underground' has all the Michael Bay fuckaroni times a million. The entire movie is a gorgeous smattering of pretty people doing nasty things to corny ass music. Goddammit, that music rivals Pitbull playing during 'Aquaman' levels of awful. I can literally see Michael Bay driving in his Tesla with the top down (do they do that?) listening to this soundtrack while his hair blows in the wind like a darker, 'Blade Runner' version of the Ken barbie doll in real life only with a hooker blowing him. While on blow.

Speaking of blowing, '6 Underground' totally blows its load in the first act with an amazing car chase scene that pulled out all the cocks, I mean stops. It was impressively fast paced, batshit fun and definitely made by someone on loads of cocaine. The thing about cocaine though is that you get a little numb to it after a while (I hear. I mean that's why it's addictive right? WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT COCAINE SO MUCH?)

Kind of the same thing goes for '6 Underground' but the film does enough to keep things interesting. Even if you never really give a shit about any of the characters. You like them. They are pretty, funny and do cool shit. However, sometimes Bay wants you to take them serious with their Vin Diesel like diatribes about family and it kind of feels like watching a grown man cry watching a Ford truck commercial.

Ryan Reynolds fits uncomfortably well in Michael Bay's palace of fuckery. He's either hilariously freaking out during intense action sequences or being a charismatic dick bag during slower dialogue moments and it all works, all the time. Dude is a full on movie star and the movie wouldn't have worked without him. He's also quietly drawing up one of the most diverse resumes in Hollywood.

Oh and by the way this might be the goriest movie of the year. I mean, goddamn guys. A dude gets shot in the mouth through his cigar, a guy eats a grenade to the explosion of his own head, tons, tons, TONS of glorious death that horror fans should enjoy. Someone tell Dead Meat this thing needs a 'Kill Count'. It'll only take him eternity.

After rewatching 'Bad Boys' this week and now having seen '6 Underground' I can confirm that Bay needs to stick to pretty assholes doing violence and leave the robots to someone else.


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