• Mike Holtz

Every Movie Added To Netflix Today 5/1

This May, while many places begin to open back up Netflix has a great responsibility to do what they can to try and keep us safe and the fuck home and out of Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar. Let's see what they showed up with, shall we? Two great Jim Carrey movies, barely any horror, the 'Back to the Future' trilogy for the 19th time, 'Patriot' for the 12th time and an underrated Jake Gyllenhaal flick. Well, we're fucked. Looks like we're all gonna die for shitty, baby-back riblets. Here's what released on Netflix today, May the 1st with our picks in bold.

  • Above the Rim (1994)

  • Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

We found Captain Winky! I rewound this flick so much as a young, impressionable child that my VCR ate the tape within a week of ownership. Prepare for Jim Carrey at in my opinion his absolute finest. If you've never seen this, watch it and if it's too stupid for you? Just watch longer. Bask in a movie that would ne-he-ver gotten made in today's oft-offended climate. Gotta go. Your GUN is digging into my hip.

  • Armed Response (2017)

  • All Day and Night (Netflix Original)

  • The 'Back To The Future' Trilogy

Excuse me for not feigning excitement over a trilogy Netflix continues to take off and put back on again, take off and put back on again. It's worse than me trying on the same shirt over and over again during the quarantine knowing I've gained too much weight to wear it comfortably. In the end though, we'll end up watching it. Just like I'll end up back in swimming trunks and a hoodie. Just leave the damn thing on, Netflix! You're not fooling anybody.

  • Blackfish (2013)

  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

  • Cracked Up: The Darrell Hammond Story (2018)

  • Den of Thieves (2018)

  • For Colored Girls (2010)

  • Fun with Dick & Jane (2005)

"I'M GONNA BE INDICTED!" One of the most horrendously underrated films of Carrey's career. He's over the top and in full on bat shit (Guano) Jim Carrey mode. Tia Leoni is hilarious. The movie is sorta, kinda timely as well considering so many of us going through some sort of economic shift again during this pandemic. A good excuse to try and laugh at our pain for a while, because sometimes goddammit that's all you can do.

  • Get In (Furie) (2019) Netflix Original

  • Get on the Bus (1996)

  • I Am Divine (2013)

  • Jarhead (2005)

This Sam Mendes flick is my overall Netflix pick of the month. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx rock the shit in this mental war film that's unlike any other war film I've ever seen. Be warned. While there's very minimal action, the script is as ballsy and entertaining as they get.

  • Jarhead 2: Field of Fire (2014)

  • Jarhead 3: The Siege (2016)

  • Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008)

  • Material (2012)

  • Mrs. Serial Killer (2020) Netflix Original

  • Romeo Must Die (2000)

  • She Hate Me (2004)

  • Sinister (2012)

Here's a really awkward youtube review from back when this released

"Everybody knows you never go mower to face. Everybody knows that." (Not an actual quote) This creepy, grungy ass thriller features Ethan Hawke walking around in an oversized sweater, finding boxes full of snuff films in his newly christened, definitely haunted home.

  • Song of the Sea (2014)

  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

  • The Half Of It (2020) Netflix Original

  • The Heartbreak Kid (2007)

  • The Patriot (2000)

Is it one of the greatest films of all time? YES. Does Netflix keep taking it off just to put it back on again so they can continue to pretend to have fresh movies? YES. "I'm not a child!", "YOU'RE MY CHILD!".

  • Thomas & Friends: Marvelous Machinery: A New Arrival (2020)

  • Thomas & Friends: Marvelous Machinery: World of Tomorrow (2020)

  • Toot-Toot Cory Carson: The Chrissy (2020) Netflix Original

  • Underworld (2003)

  • Underworld: Evolution (2006)

  • Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

Damn, ya'll. THREE 'Underworld' films? Get ready for lots of Kate Beckinsale in tight leather outfits fighting werewolves. Very important question: Milla Jovovich in the 'Resident Evil' franchise or Beckinsale in 'Underworld'?

What a sexy question. The only right answer is Harrison Ford in the Amish outfit from 'Witness'.

  • Urban Cowboy (1980)

All I remember about this movie is that Sissy Spacek at one point cheats on John Travolta with some dickbag. But he's also a dickbag sometimes and at some point they get married and live in a mobile home? But there's always some sort of trouble brewing. He's a bull rider. No, a mechanical bull rider (They make it way cooler than that sounds). Some of this is just me confusing 'Urban Cowboy' with '8 Seconds' but someone is definitely called Sissy and there's a cowboy. I rode a bull once. No shit.

  • What a Girl Wants (2003)

  • Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)

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