Let's Go Halloween Shopping: 'At Home' Has Released Their Halloween Collection Online
Through my quarantine web surfing, I've successfully found Halloween decorations in July. Don't tell me to get a life, Dad. It's called research. Technically, I'm a scientist.
Throughout this month and next I'll be highlighting some of the cooler Halloween collections I can find and today I went through all of At Home's (formally Garden Ridge) online collection and picked out my favorite items. This isn't an advertisement but I did include a link for each item if you're interested. There's also a link below if you want to check out the collections for yourself. Enjoy you impatient, dark souls! Pumpkin spice and satanic rituals 4-Life!
Spooky Living Tree Kit - $14.98
This dude literally gives me the creepy deepies. It's like camouflaged tree spider demon and I want to buy it and put it on a random tree in the middle of the forest so that some unlucky hiker literally shits his Cliff protein bars into his pants.
White Ghosted Candle - $8.99
After Creepy McTree Face creeped me out I wanted to go something fun for the whole family. Like this adorable goddamn ghost holding a pumpkin. It's a candle though, not candy corn. So don't eat it. Even though I kind of want to for some strange reason. I'm gonna end up on that show 'Strange Addictions' eating Halloween candles. Told you I'd amount to something, Papa! (I really don't have dad issues, despite that being my second dad joke in one article)
Lit Skeleton Wings Creeper - $14.99
Fitting he's called the creeper. This little bastard demon spawn is all about placement. He might not look like much sitting on a hay bale but you hang that fucker from your porch and he's going to be dropping little nightmare shits into peoples brains like pigeons on freshly washed cars. It's those wings that creep me out. Look like they were made from a depressing sack lunch from Summer school.
Moss Skeleton Candle Holder - $19.99
These adorable little jabroni's would fit perfectly on the back of a toilet. Each one holding either a candle or a different scented fall flavored Lysol spray to cover up the demon winds once within thou's coffin walls. Or even better.....three seashells.
Cemetery Archway - $299.99
Doesn't look like much in this tiny picture here but I was in the store last year when they had one like this set up and it is a piece. Standing over 60x98 and weighing over forty pounds. Expensive yes, but an excellent opening piece to a haunted house or private bedroom if you're trying to impress your latest date from Goth Tinder.
55 Inch Lighted Hang Up Pumpkin - $19.99
Loving the color scheme, the light up eyes and 55 inches? Get the fuck out of the pumpkin patch and take a bus. What a great deal.
Hear me out, imagine if you had the funds and you bought like fifty of these things and it was your only outdoor Halloween decoration? Do you know how scary an awkward army of these would look littering every inch of your front lawn just waving away with their huge mouths and four arms? For added creepiness, go outside and preach to them passionately them all every morning. The Neighbors will NEVER mess with you again. Plus maybe there's a chick from goth Tinder that drives by and see's your dedication to the dark lords. Now you've found love. You're welcome.
Wooden Candy Porch Sign - $17.99
Yeah, it's a little corny. BUT it's also kind of adorable plus you can explain to small children that it's a play on the classic Rihanna song about bitches not paying her skrilla in the appropriate time period previously greed upon by each party leading to her inflicting consequences for their breach of trust.
25 inch Resin Doberman - $99.99
The price tag is hefty but he's such a good boy! What you do is you also buy a Ring doorbell and when people show up to your house you talk to them through the dog. Fuck them up for life, man. Is it weird that I want to pet it? For extra points, take it to the dog park and just act like everyone else is the weird one for staring.
51 Inch Button Eyes Witch Lady - $17.99
Finally, we have this lady which genuinely gives me the creeps. Again 51 inches long for under $20 is a bargain and the nightmares are free. She looks like your grandma came back from the grave as a putty villain from Power Rangers and just wants to send you a twenty dollar check on your birthday but it always smells like the crossbase of your childhood home BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE SHE'S BURIED! Oh fuck, I'm scared now, where's my pumpkin candle.
Those are my favorite Halloween items from At Home's online store but you can pause the gifts of Samhain yourself, here. Want to know more about retail Halloween this 2020? Be sure and sign up for the newsletter below where not only we'll have articles like this but all your horror movie news updates as well. Thanks for reading!
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