• Mike Holtz

Everything I Loved or Hated About 'The Witcher' Episode 1

In the name of 'Star Wars' or 'Black Christmas' or whatever and everyone feeling pressured to choose a side with their content or media these days I felt the need to return to writing my reviews as lists with particular points instead of overall feelings. 'The Witcher' seems like a good place to return to that. I hope you enjoy! AND IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. AND A MISOGYNISTIC FEMBOT WHO SUPPORTS LAST JEDI CULTURE! (I don't know what that means) Here we go!

Full disclaimer: I know dick all about 'The Witcher'. What I mean by dick all is that I know Henry Cavill plays a white haired badass with a big sword. I know that I love Henry Cavill. I know that I used to not love Henry Cavill. As a matter of fact I remember railing against his casting as Superman after seeing him in dud 'The Cold Light of Day'. Turns out that movie wasn't his fault at all and I absolutely adore his Superman and pretty much everything he's done since, from

'Man From UNCLE' to 'Fallout'.

Back to the point. This review is coming from a guy who's never played the game, barely heard of the game and is walking into this franchise like a Nun in a whorehouse. I think that's a good analogy, right? Like, I've never been here before. Because I'm a Nun....and Nuns don't go to whore houses, probably. What I'm trying to say is I don't know shit. So if you don't know shit either, I am probably a half decent barometer for whether or not you'll enjoy this show? And I think you absolutely will. So here's the list:

- The opening is fantastic. There's a gigantic scary monster spider fight and Cavill's character, Geralt of Rivia is introduced in awesome head stabbing fashion. There's some half decent monster CGI that goes well with the 'Tecmo Bowl From Satan's Asshole' setting. Then, between his eyeballs getting freaky and this one moment with a baby deer you find out pretty quickly that Geralt isn't normal at all. An action packed, goth and violent start to the show. I dig it!

- I don't mean to gush here but Cavill is a supreme burrito level badass. He brings this character to life with an imposing physical stature and a voice that sounds as if someone tossed Max Payne into the Final Fantasy universe which ends up way cooler than it sounds. There's something to his entire aura that screams "Yes, this is a prototypical action good guy with a dark attitude" but there's also something about him that seems like he might have partied with Marilyn Manson in the 90's.

- I don't honestly feel like I know anymore about 'The Witcher' IP after watching this first episode than I did when I started. I get the general idea of who Geralt is and there's a town under siege and Wizards have naked chicks picking fruit in their garden. I also unfortunately had the sense at times that there were certain characters I was supposed to know something more about that I hadn't been told yet.

- Do you remember the hallway fight scene from 'Daredevil'? There's a particular action scene here that sets the tone in the same way. A tracking show follows Geralt as he systematically rips through six or seven dudes and it is spectacular. Both in camera movement and brutality this scene is memorable. The camera will stop every once in a while just so you can take in the next stroke. Best of all? The entire fight sequence starts with Geralt pulling out his sword and dropping an cool but annoyed "Well, fuck".

- There's a lot of stops brought out in this first episode and it can all feel a little rushed. As soon as we're introduced to this royal family we're knee deep in a 'Braveheart' level battle in the hills and it feels like such a waste to not know who is who or what the fuck is even going on. Again, I'm sure this all comes with learning what's what as we go and it isn't boring by any means. It just feels like it should mean something and it doesn't quite yet.

- I'm getting the feeling this show is going to have a strange 'True Blood' feel to its sex and violence only with a far less filthy lense. At least at first. Who knows how weird shit gets by Season four?

- There are a lot of 'Game of Thrones' type tropes throughout the first episode. This is picky. None of it is done poorly, it's just that we've become numb to seeing that type of thing done so well over the past few years that it's almost underwhelming.

- Why did that one guy feel the need to karate spike his sword into his throat? There are 427 easier ways to kill yourself, guy.

- The entire scene in the Wizard garden was underhandedly hilarious. Hopefully there's more non-obvious comedy as the series goes along.

- The appearance of magic was a bit underwhelming with the forcefield guy. "It will hold as long as I do!" (Ten seconds later) "Fuck! They're here!"

- Extra points for the 'Demolition Man' Sandra Bullock VR sex scene via Witchery in the woods. Talk about blue balls. Shit.


Ultimately, 'The Witcher' was a lot of fun with some awesome action scenes. I shall finish this season with enjoyment on my steed. That sounded weird. I say give it a go!

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to sign up for our newsletter below. Once J checks out the show maybe we'll have a video or podcast. Might fuck around and do one of these articles for each episode. Have a great day, Wenches!


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