• Mike Holtz

UPDATE: I'm Addicted, So Let's Rank All Six Netflix' UNSOLVED MYSTERIES Episodes

***Spoilers Possible***

I've done it. I've watched all six episodes of Netflix' new UNSOLVED MYSTERIES and not only did it leave me hankering for more but it left me feverishly searching the web for updates. I'm so fascinated with 2020's UNSOLVED MYSTERIES because some of these cases could be solved any moment. It's what differentiates this iteration of the show from both the original show (I'm not saying this is better. Robert Stack alone makes that impossible) and the many other true crime specials out there. The whole purpose of this show (in most cases) is to use the virality of the internet to solve these cases and I think it's going to work.

According to USA Today as of July 3rd, twenty credible tips had already come in and been passed over to authorities. A Reddit user also noticed the similarities between Rey's situation in the first episode and the David Fincher film THE GAME which is fascinating to think about when you consider how interested he was in secret societies and how shady his employer was being after he disappearance. Was the company engaging in a dangerous adventure themed game like in the movie? It just gets deeper and deeper.

Take the case of the last episode of the series 'Missing Witness', for example. The center of the story, Sandy "Definitely fucking did it" Whatever her last name is now that she's had twelve husbands since lunch has already had users online post her and her husbands address, phone, etc. online. Multiple social media accounts with the family have been deleted since the show aired.

People like to investigate shit in the social media age. Shit's going to get found out.

Goddammit, I'm hyped right now. Hyped for justice. Especially for that camouflaged turd of a human being. Let's rank these fuckin episodes! From best to least best (because they're all decent). Here we go:

#1: 'Missing Witness'

One of my biggest basis for this ranking is solvability. How likely is it this case can be solved by the audience? In this case, a fucking cockatoo could have solved it and done so years ago. SANDY DID THAT SHIT. She clearly killed her ex husband and is totally responsible for Lena's disappearance. This episode was goddamn ENRAGING. I constantly screamed at my TV in pure bewilderment that this fucking psycho circus of a human being was still walking around free WITH THE CHILD OF THE DAUGHTER SHE PROBABLY KILLED. You're going to feel like Joe Exotic screaming about that fuckin' Carol Baskins when this is over. To top it off, if you go to Reddit you'll find threads by family members talking about how it was even MORE obvious than the show made it seem. Stories of her landlord finding blood under the carpet and the same apartment complex being burned to the ground afterwards.

I hope this one gets solved and I think it will which will be satisfying as fuck.

#2: 'Mystery on the rooftop'

We go from a standard albeit strange missing persons case to a huge dudes body fitting through a tiny hole in the top of the Belvedere hotel, to secret and encoded messages taped behind computers. This episode had it all. It's amazing to me that an entire company could issue a gag order to their employees when foul play is suspected in a murder case.....and that shit flew? The fact that Rey's phone and glasses were undamaged from a fall of that height and the above mentioned secret letter found referencing David Fincher's THE GAME gives this episode a little more intrigue and mystery than some of its counterparts. Also, it totally feels like it has a chance of being solved and may have the most bombshell of an update when it does.

#3: '13 Minutes'

You'll recognize this episode as the one where the creepy old dude is a huge piece of shit human being. What an enraging motherfucker that balding evil Santa Clause piece of shit was. What kind of human garbage is the stepfather to a fifteen year old boy and then locks him out of the house on the day his mother goes missing and is ultimately found dead? Then keeps her remains away from him so that he can nestle his gross ass up against them every night in bed? Let's not forget the fact that this wackadoo has the nerve to boast about his Criminology degree TO THE CAMERA OF THE SHOW INVESTIGATING HIS WIFE'S MURDER.

It's not as clear cut this asshat of a fuckbag is guilty of murder as in the case of the previously mentioned Sandy but it is clear cut that he's a fucking dildo and I hope Pistol gets to kick his ass some day. This one again, seems like one that could be solved with the help of the show and I really hope it does.

#4: 'No Ride Home'

This episode may be the saddest of the bunch as a young black man never comes home from a party in a known racist area, though he attended the party with multiple friends. It certainly sounds like whatever happened was the perfect storm of bad timing, alcohol and awful human beings.

Most interesting about this case was the social media posts from the people that live in the town claiming things like "We all know who's freezer he was in". How the fuck does that not get solved when a bunch of High School kids are apparently in the know? Even more creepy how it seems like others were involved in keeping Alonzo's family from getting their justice. Multiple police investigation failures and signs that the body had been moved and tampered with. Once again, with that many people around I can definitely see someone cracking this wide open and I hope they do.

#5: 'House of Terror'

Could have been higher on the list but (and I hate to complain about this) the subtitles made this one kind of a chore to get through. That being said the case was fascinating and heartbreaking. What kind of human being kills his entire family just because he isn't financially successful? And the way he went about disposing of the bodies was horrific. Extra fucked up points for waving at the CCTV camera before he disappeared into the mountain tops or whatever weird place of satanist fuckery he ended up at. I hope they find this guy but of all the cases I don't see this guy getting what he deserves and that blows.

#6: 'Berkshires UFO'

I was actually MOST looking forward to this episode when the show released. Two things creeped me out as a child. One of them was the Unsolved Mysteries theme song and the other was aliens (Thanks 'Fire in the Sky').

Literally, I used to be afraid to be outside at night alone after seeing that film. Because that's when they get your ass. This episode I unfortunately found to be a tad disappointing. There's nothing to solve here and these stories been out there for a while now.

Most interesting is the fact that all these people, separate from each other experienced the same phenomena and quite honestly, I kind of fucking believe them which scares the shit out of me because I know aliens exist but I like to think they don't wanna abduct us. Even if it's for a few hours and a butt tickle.

That's it folks! Stay up to date with WWAM on Twitter for more mystery probing as cases become more interesting and be sure to check out our youtube channel and the review of the show as a whole below!

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